MANUSCRIPT FROM UKARI(1)

 

"Any m'm'man who posts sssselfies on Instagram is a 'Brostitute', except if he's p'p'p'promoting a business or a brand. Else, he's only there t't't'to fish for all the empty heads using the App to sell themssssselves to the highest bidder", #John stammered as he staggered out of the bar to answer his wife's phone call. 

John Oche is a very successful chartered accountant and a drunk. The only 'person' he speaks well of, is his bottle of beer. No human being is ever deserving of any accolade from this Idoma husband and a father of three. 🙄

On this Friday night, the boys decided to hang out and talk about their decisions to settle, stay faithful, cheat, and remain single. 

All seven of them attended the same secondary School in the 90's; FGC Wukari. All married but two, who were also in their 40's already and still finding it hard to accept that they're getting old. 

#Magai, was there with his identical twin, #Makai. Both married and successful in their respective careers. 

#Aji, a Solicitor who also doubles as an Estate Agent, has refused to get married. He's always maintained that all the ladies he'd dated were too dumb to marry. So he's still looking for a genius who'd give him smart kids. His favourite lines were, "children get their intelligence from their mothers, so why marry a pretty imbecile when you could get a gorgeous Chimamanda?" 😂

"You have a beautiful wife John, why do you still keep scores of ladies on your payroll for heaven's sake?" #Moses asked as John came back to retake his seat. 

"How c'c'can I b'be stuck with one wooman f'f'forever, when I can have asss many as I want s's'sso long as I have the mmmoney to keep them happy?" John replied. 

"You can never be married to just one woman forever, unless your brain is empty, or her's is empty", said an old man sitting at the table next to their's. 

"I couldn't help but enjoy all your conversations about marriage and relationships. My name is #Sule, and if you'd buy me a beer, I think I have all the answers to your stupid fantasies". The old man added. 🤔

John wanted to insult the old man for calling him stupid, but his mouth was struggling to voice the words already formed in his head. 😠

Moses told him to calm down. 

They offered the old man a seat and he joined the reunion. 

Mallam Sule faced John and said, "If your mind is healthy, you'll never get tired of one woman. She becomes a new person every time. A mother, a counselor, an entrepreneur, a boss, a lover, a daughter, an inventor, a teacher... you'll become overwhelmed with how many beautiful versions of her you get to marry over the years".

Now he's got everybody's full attention. 🤔

"You see, marriage is not the end of your freedom. Most of you boys of nowadays forget that your young wives would also love to hang out with you, party with you, drink and throw up all over your body. They still want to do all the silly things you used to do together before you got married. But your selfishness doesn't allow you to see the request in their eyes whenever you tell them you want to hang out with your friends". The old man stopped and smiled at the pretty waitress who placed a cold bottle of Heineken in front of him.

Who are you again?" #Jibrin asked the old man. 

Jibrin is a Government contractor in Abuja. He's married to a lovely wife, but can't seem to keep his "Master-key" out of all the locks that crossed his path. 

"I have a wife and three kids. Have been married for ten years now and my wife has been very loyal and faithful to me, but I would like to marry a second wife since my region allows for it". Jibrin added. 

"I have an old Sony transistor radio which has served me for almost 20yrs. And since it has never disappointed me, I do not feel the need to buy another one". The old man said, carelessly. Everybody laughed at Jibrin because his brain was still trying to process the insult. 🤔

............................................

#Ahmadu has been afraid to say anything since the old man joined their table. His ways are never pure. He's still single, and uses Social Media as hunting ground for single, hungry girls who usually fall for his good looks and lavish lifestyle. 

Ahmadu has about seven girlfriends at the moment, and none of them is good enough to be his wife. All the ladies assume that they are the only love of his life. He creates time for each of them, treats them nicely, and has never given them any reason to suspect he's a cheat. 

"I am not ready", Ahmadu replied when asked why he was still single. The old man smiled. 

"You may have met the lady you really loved the most at the wrong time(e.g. in school) where you weren't really ready to take things further, and by the time you did, she may have found someone else". Said the old man. 

"Most people don't marry who they love, but who is available when they are ready". Added the old man. 

"Where the hell are you from?" Asked Moses, who was begining to think the old man was a spirit or something. 

The man had the right answers to almost everything. 

"My grandfather stumbled upon an old text titled, THE MANUSCRIPT FROM UKARI, and in that scroll 📜I found the answers to the troubles of marriage".

"Your generation spends all the time and energy preparing for a wedding, so they forget to prepare for the marriage and parenting. Because everybody just wants to have cute babies and can't wait to plaster their photos all over social media, forgetting that there're bills to pay if you want to live a flamboyant life". He added. 

"When two people look good together, the society tells them to get married immediately. And your foolishness has made you accept that any good looking person will automatically make a good life partner".

"The men have become better at cheating, and the women have become better at pretending". He continued. 

"They all believe that I am a slave to my wife(woman wrapper) because I am 100% loyal and faithful to her. Yes, she is fat; yes, she isn't as pretty as their wives; yes, she isn't as ambitious as their wives. But she's the most beautiful person in my world. And her size just makes her more lovable to me". Magai said. 

"C'c'cow, she don wash g'g'ive you d'drink, Idiot" John interjected. 

Then another round of drinks was ordered by Makai, the night was only begining. 

TO BE CONTINUED... 

#FICTION 

©JBZ_2020