Jibo Zhema

 My old man always had something negative to say about all the girls I brought home. Gosh, he had an annoying way of going about it. My mum, on the other hand, had a Muslim upbringing and would always try to caution the man to zip it or respect other people's choices. (I'm not saying Christians do not respect other's choices) One time, I brought a chubby lady home, he exclaimed in our dialect (Jukun) and said I didn't have plans of buying a good mattress and that I was going to use the lady as my bed. My mum pleaded that he zipped up as she was struggling so hard not to crack up in the presence of my girlfriend. Another time, I brought home a busty lady and immediately she walked into the living room, my mum quickly turned to my dad and begged him to be nice. He got up and welcomed her with a bear hug while rolling his eyes at me and my mum behind my girlfriend. When my mum offered me the Fura da Nono (yoghurt) they were having, my dad dragged the bowl away from her and...

 I recently visited a friend who has a toddler of about a year old, and "the boy can disturb." 😡 If he was not dragging my phone, he'd be trying to snatch my glass of water to play with. When he finally broke the glass, I didn't waste any time teaching him the kinda lessons I received as an innocent child back in the day. (Yes, I didn't steal the meat from the pot but all my siblings denied it, so I just owned up to the crime so that our mum wouldn't waste all day asking) 🙄 After I smacked the child and he started wailing and rolling on the ground, I was tempted to pick up my "Slipper" and finish what I had started but his dad quickly jumped in and snatched the kid. But that is not today's subject. I watched how the dad made funny noises to keep him quiet. "Bugabugabuga, chichichichi, lolololo," and making faces in a failed attempt to shut his stubborn child up. The mother said she doesn't beat her children, and I was like, "...

 "Bros, na your mama be this? Good evening ma." Ande prostrated. "That's my wife, you idiot." Bileya fired at his supposedly respectful friend for embarrassing his wife publicly. "But bros, no be my fault, abbbeg. Look am yourself na. How you go allow your wife dey look like this, bros? You no dey try at all. I'm so sorry madam, this my friend's stinginess don dey reach your side also. Sad." Two hours later, the friends met up at a bar near Green Beach and drank to what transpired earlier in the day. It was all staged to humiliate Bileya's unkempt wife.  He was tired of telling Dooshima, his wife, that she had stopped taking care of herself since they got married two years ago. He placed her on a 250k monthly allowance for shopping, but she sits at home and orders junk instead. "If she were pregnant or had given birth, I would understand. If she's not craving Ice cream today, it's Shawarma, Suya or Pizza. And if I complained, s...

 I was a pupil of Ebenezer Primary School Wukari and had called in sick that day, so my teacher visited our house to check on my health after school. 🤕 It wasn't because I was the best pupil in his class but I guess he just missed flogging my flat ass in class that day. Flogging me was a ritual he always looked forward to because I didn't know how to remain in one place for a long time. 🤓 So after my parents offered him a chilled bottle of Campa Cola, the elders got talking about other matters that didn't concern me. So I strolled outside to meet my siblings on the veranda. Upon stepping outside, I found my teacher's old Raleigh bicycle leaned against a pillar. I tried my best to ignore it but the devil kept pushing me to mount it and take a spin around the neighbourhood. 🤷🏽‍♂️ As the obedient child that I was and out of respect for the devil who was older than me, I jumped on the rusty bicycle and asked one of my siblings to give it a push. 😇 "Push faster, yo...

 GET MARRIED OR DIE CRYING. Growing up, I thought that every married person was rich, happy and successful. They always looked as though everything in their life was copacetic. I was made to believe that getting married automatically made people 'responsible' while the unmarried were irresponsible. Now that I am 40+ and unmarried, I found that RESPONSIBILITY is a factor of the mind, not marital status. I am more responsible than the father whose children took to terrorism, prostitution or armed robbery because he was never in their lives and never provided for his family. I am more responsible than the idiot who slaps his wife around because she no longer respects him since she has become the sole provider in her home. I am more responsible than those married people whose problems have become a community's problems because they cannot survive without begging from house to house. I saw a woman with triplets begging for alms on the street and I felt insulted that my brain-dea...

 The other day I awoke to find that my number had been added to a wedding planning WhatsApp group without my consent, and the only topic for discussion was 'money contribution' to assist the groom-to-be on his forthcoming wedding. The said groom is someone whom I haven't met or spoken to in nearly ten years, but that's not why I'm writing this.  Two days after that, I was mistakenly added to the bride-to-be's WhatsApp group where her friends were also soliciting the contribution of funds for a successful wedding. Then I asked myself if these people were truly ready for this thing or if they just caved-in to societal pressures as usual. Family and friends would crowdfund a wedding ceremony for a couple that does not have the means to handle their own shit. 🤬 I once asked a jobless friend who came to me for such contributions in the past how he planned to foot his bills after marriage since he didn't have enough to plan a wedding and rent a suitable apartment...